So I got the idea to write up a Twilight parody. I’ve nearly got the first two chapters done too. So far people think it’s really funny… >_<

It’s really hard to write though, because at the same time that I’m making fun of the characters and (lack of) plot, I’m making fun of the way Stephanie Meyer writes. She’s very very repetitive. I may end up posting the whole thing in chapters here, but for now here’s a little teaser:

My mom looks like me. I don’t look like her, she looks like me because I’m more important than she is. She has my eyes and my hair except her hair is short and she’s wrinkly. Which means even though we look alike, I’m prettier and therefor more important! Even though she’s old, her eyes look like they belong to a kid. She looks like a little lost puppy. Especially when I was intent on going to Forks. I wouldn’t tell anyone why because it wasn’t their business. But my mom had Phil, which was this bright pink state of the art vibrator that had built in GPS navigation in case she got lost, so she’d be fine.

“I want to go,” I said, even though it was a total lie. No one in their right mind would want to go to Forks. My mom was either really really dumb or was smart enough to let me do what I want because I’m prettier than she is. I’m a pretty bad liar though, so she probably knew I was lying unless, like I said, she was really stupid.

Once again she told me I didn’t have to go and I told her not to worry. She told me to say hi to Charlie, my dad, for her and I told her I would and that I loved her, then hugged her and hurried onto the plane so I didn’t have deal with her anymore.

It took four hours to fly to Seattle, another one hour to fly to some port place and another hour to drive back down from the port place to Forks. It didn’t make much sense to me, but that’s what it was. It was raining when the plane landed. No surprise there. Bye bye sun and hot weather! Bye bye bikini! I was going to have to find another way to show off.

Charlie was waiting for me outside with his police cruiser. He’s a police chief in Forks. I didn’t have any money at all, but I immediately wanted a car of my own because driving around in a police cruiser was just icky. It probably smelled terrible.

I had to call Charlie Dad instead of Charlie because otherwise he got all winy and sobby. So it was just easier to call him Dad. He asked about my mom and I told him she was fine. Of course she was fine, she had a vibrator with GPS navigation! Vibrators were better than men since they didn’t talk back.

As we got in the car he glanced over at me with a pleased look. I dunno why he was so damn pleased, he hadn’t done anything spectacular. Unlike me. “I got you a good car,” he said.

“What kind of car?” It was important that I had a really pretty car because I’m really pretty. It was only logical for me to have a car as pretty and important as me. Charlie never seemed to get that. It would really suck if I got stuck with an old beat up Chevy pickup.

“Actually, it’s a truck. A Chevy.” Great. “It’s a good car for you.”

No it wasn’t. A good car for me would be a shiny new Volkswagen Beetle. It’s so pretty, just like me! “Where did you find it?”

“Our old friend Billy Black down at La Push.” La Push was an old Indian reservation. ‘Nuff said. “He’s in a wheelchair now, so he doesn’t need the truck and he offered to sell it to me.”

“What year is it?” It was pretty obvious he had been hoping I wouldn’t ask so many questions about it. As if.

“Well, it’s not too old… Billy’s done some good work on it and it runs really well.”

Obviously he hadn’t spent enough time with me in the past few years to remember that he couldn’t dodge a question because I’m so awesome. “When did he get it?”

“Sometime in the early 80s or something.”

“Was it new?” Probably not, it was probably one of the first Chevy’s ever made.

“Err, no. I think it was new in the early sixties.” Figures.

“UGH! Daaaad! It’s probably all icky and gross and smelly and what if it breaks down out here in the middle of nowhere, I can’t fix a stupid car!” I pouted and huffed and stared angrily out the window. “How much did it cost me?”

“Nothing at all, it’s a homecoming gift from me to you pumpkin.”

I hated when he calls me pumpkin. I’m not a pumpkin. Pumpkins are big fat orange blobs of stickiness. I’m prettier than a pumpkin. At least the truck was free though. “Fine. But I expect a shiny new Volkswagen Beetle in the very near future! And it’s wet and icky here.”

We made it to the house in complete silence after that. Neither of us had much else to say. The house was the same rickety thing Charlie had bought when he first married my mom. Eeew. It was this old two story wood house that was probably crawling with termites and icky spiders. And it probably smelled all moldy. No wonder Mom left him.

I went up to my room, which hadn’t changed much at all. Nearly everything was the same with the addition of a phone line and a computer. I’d demanded the computer so I could check up on all the juicy gossip on myspace. I can’t go a day without myspace!! I unpacked most of my things and looked around the room drearily. I felt like I was going to cry. Maybe it was the weather, but I was feeling so emo! I just wanted to slash my wrists and sob into my pillow, blood bleeding out through the slits in my wrists. That were bleeding.

But I managed to stop myself because I knew I’d need my beauty sleep since tomorrow was my first day of high school at Forks High School. It was really lame because I’d only just gotten here and isn’t that like, not fair? I should have a week off to mope and slit my wrists and post pretty myspace pictures.

Before I went to sleep though, I sat in front of my window and looked out at the green world around me. Everything was so green! The trees, the moss on their trunks, the sky looked a tad green, I was feeling a bit green… That might have been the musty air. The last bit of light was filtering greenly through green leaves on green trees with their greenliness. It was very green.

In contrast, my room was plain. So I went to sleep. My dreams were green too though. Did I mention it was very green? Because it was incessantly green! I cannot get across how overpoweringly green this town was. They should have named it Green instead of Forks.